I Got Played-Wednesday, Mar. 03, 2004 @ 12:53 a.m.

Didn't hear from Jonathan today.

Yeah... I got played. Yesterday it didn't bother me because I had this false sense of optimism. I actually thought he'd call today. And now I don't know if I should try and call him again. I was going to see if he wanted to do something tomorrow because it's my only day off, but now... gaah!! I don't know.

Because part of me refuses to believe that he was just wanting to fuck me once and only once. Because he put a lot into the build up of it. I mean, it's been how long? A month? And if he just wanted to have sex, then he probably wold have given up after I told him no the first time, right? And he just doesn't seem like the player type. But I guess I really don't know what the "type" is. I've never dealt with this scenario before.

And the really annoying thing is, I left my bra there. I couldn't find it when I woke up the next day.

Really now... this can't be my first experience with a guy after James. This isn't the way to start over. Having really good but short sex with a guy that I wasn't attracted to to begin with who grew on me and I finally slept with and now he doesn't want anything to do with me. Fucking great after being used and lied to and thrown aside and taken advantage of for six months.

Should I call him tomorrow? I bet he won't answer his phone. I'll be cool. "Hey, what's up? I'm off today, was wondering if you wanted to get together? No? That's cool. By the way, was you're whole agenda just to have sex with me then never speak to me again? Because if so, that's ok. Just have the fucking decency to tell me so that I won't be sitting around wondering the whole god damn time and then I'll know that you're just a fucked up rat bastard and it's nothing I did but really just your total lac of regard for the feelings of others."

I wish Brandon had never gotten together with Erin. I really wish he hadn't gotten Erin pregnant. Because I think that we'd be good together.

I'm so sick of being used.

I'm a fucking good person. I could... I want to be so good to someone.

I miss James, because I was so good to him. It felt good to take care of someone, to be in love with someone. To do everything you can for them.

But it hurt so bad to be used and taken advantage of. Why does that happen to me? Always fucking happen to me.

I'm so fucking sick of being used.

I'm sick of people taking what they want from me and just not caring how I feel. I'll give you the world, I'll do everything I can for you, but it doesn't come free. Just respect me. Do a little something for me. That's not selfish. It's only fair. I don't ask much. Just call me, hang out with me. If you just want to have sex with me, Jonathan, that's ok. But you're gonna have to work for it. I don't necessarily mean committed relationship, moving in together, picking out a china pattern, but don't just fucking blow me off. I'm fucking better than that.

Iím so much fucking better than , I fucking swear to god I am. Someone please just let me prove it. Why wonít someone just fucking take me as I am?

I donít want to think about all this right now. Iím tired and I don't want to think.

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I just heard this on MTV. Iíd forgotten ust how much this reminds me of James.

My immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase<

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all alone

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On a lighter note, did anyone else think that Charlize Theron looked really weird at The Oscars? Just something about her seemed off. Maybe itís the fact that she was orange and didnít have any eyebrows.

God, it creeped me out.

previous <-----> next

i'm trying - Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005
... - Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005
- - Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2004
baby doll lips - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
unwanted hiatus - Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004