One Lonely Visitor-Wednesday, Mar. 03, 2004 @ 7:54 p.m.

I've decided not to call Jonathan. Me not calling him is just much easier. That way I'm saying, "I know you used me and I'm not going to play the lost hurt little girl," without saying a word. And if he does decide to call then so be it, and if not then we'll all know what a fucking little asshole he is. And holy fuck did he mess with the wrong person because I could absolutely ruin his fucking life if I wanted to. I have a seriously overprotective 6'2'', 210 pound brother with a Polish temper that likes to hit things.

But I'm all talk. I wouldn't do anything. If anything, if I see Jonathan around, I'll give him a mean glare. That's the extent of my damage.

It seems that I may be overreacting, I know. But if there's something I've learned in the past three years it's to trust my first instinct. Chris, Tony, and James have all taught me that time and time again. And my instinct tells me that Jonathan's never to be heard from again.

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I don't know if it was the rain today, but all I wanted to do for about three hours was curl up in bed and cry. I haven't wanted to do that in so long.

I was driving out to Target thinking and thinking and thinking about things I shouldn't think about. I was torturing myself, my guilt, my conscience, my regrets, my loss, my pain... all of it was just thrashing around inside of me and I couldn't hold it back and started crying. Just for a second though, I made myself stop. Told myself it wasn't worth it, there was no point, this wouldn't make it better.

So I stopped crying. I got control of it all and pushed it away and now I'm numb. How long can I stay this way?

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My new guestbook still isn't working and it's really getting on my fucking nerves. The money's been taken out of my account and I've received the Paypal confirmation for the transaction, and still nothing. I've emailed them, but gotten no response. So for now, I've linked up the old guestbook.

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I love Chevelle. And I really love this song. Drove around listening to it today. Gives me a sense of hope for some reason.

Yeah, Iím all fucked up.

One Lonely Visitor
Chevelle

Am I alone in here?
Knew you were here,
Sister confirmed suspicions,
And beside the note,
That you left on my bed,
Where I held you close,
Did you think I'd forget?
Couldn't be more of a mess,
For to be,
There used to be another way,
I'd take you home.
Well its time to wake up,
And separate feelings,
That I keep falling into,
Each seem like good reasons,
That I feel I'm a break down,
I don't care if it shows up,
I'm praying this for you,
Until it turns it all safe.
Now it seems there's a choice,
Let me get with a break,
Listen today,
Know that never again,
Will I know you that way.
Well its time to wake up,
And separate feelings,
That I keep falling into,
Each seem like good reasons,
That I feel I'm gonna break down,
I don't care if it shows up,
I'm praying this for you,
Until it turns it all safe.
Am I alone in here?

previous <-----> next

i'm trying - Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005
... - Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005
- - Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2004
baby doll lips - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
unwanted hiatus - Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004