If Ever I Wanted To Die-Monday, Mar. 08, 2004 @ 1:15 a.m.

I'm so fucking depressed. Don't know what to do.

Can't sleep. I've been trying. Don't want to just lay in bed because it only reminds me of how fucking lonely I am.

Before work this morning, I got belittled by my dad. He told me I'm nothing but a worthless drunk who's wasting my life away. I'll never amount to anything, no one will ever respect me, that I'm just a waste of space, I shouldn't even exist. He says I don't care about him or my mom, that when they're dying in a nursing home I'll never even visit them.

It's been a long time since I've entertained thoughts of suicide, but this morning I'm imagined a thousand different deaths. Absolutely thought about walking into the kitchen at working, taking a knife, walking to the bathroom and stabbing myself till I bled a horrific death on the floor. Wouldn't have liked a quicker approach, but being at a hotel, my options were limited. At one point, I didn't even have to worry about suicide. I just really thought I was going to die, because nothing has ever hurt that bad in my life. I felt at one point that I was just going to stop being. My body would just shut down, I'd stop breathing, my heart would stop it's pointless beating. I hadn't felt pain like that since James dumped me and before that I can't even remember feeling like that.

And I went into work trying not cry even though I had been and my eyes were all red and swollen and everyone thought I was still drunk from the night before. Definitely one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

And on top of that, today was James' birthday and all "I could do was think about him. I came so close to calling him. Just to say happy birthday, please don't hate me, I miss talking to you, did you get your videos back?

And also I feel like an absolute fool for having called Jonathan the other night and leaving that fucking message. He, of course, hasn't called me. I'm embarrassed as hell. I know he's going around telling people I'm fucking psycho.

And why does everything have to be so bad all a once? There's not a single fucking good thing happening to me right now. I'm trying. I try to go out and make friends. I try to do a good job at work, try to be a good person in general and I just fuck things up. I'm always doing something wrong, being fucking crazy, always doing the wrong things and god damn it, I've cried enough today I don't want to cry anymore.

Why do I have to be so fucking stupid? Why did I have to say all those mean things to James? Why did I have to ruin what could have been, at the very least, a salvageable friendship? Why did I have to sleep with Andrew? Why couldn't I ever tell Brandon how I feel about him? Why do I always have to let my parents down?

Why can't I ever do one single little fucking thing right? Why can't I do one right thing and just hold on to that forever?

And why, for fuck's sake, can't I just stop crying?

previous <-----> next

i'm trying - Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005
... - Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005
- - Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2004
baby doll lips - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
unwanted hiatus - Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004