I'm So Fucking Mean-Tuesday, Mar. 09, 2004 @ 1:18 a.m.

I semi-stalked someone online tonight.

Go creepy me. This girl I used to talk to online, she's gone crazy. She IMed me a long time ago after reading my diary. She's seemed ok, a little on the dim side, but ok. However, recently, she's taken to IMing me crazy psycho shit. One day, she IMed, called me a bitch and signed off. It's gotten increasingly worse. I'll block her most of the time, but I'll go trough and clean my preferences and forget to out her back on block. Well, tonight she went too far at the wrong time. I'm in a pissy mood anyway. So, I talked back. Hence this:

New conversation started at 3/8/04 11:33:23 PM.

bekahsweet4: the diarrheas gotten worse
bekahsweet4: I know longer have any hope of a future
bekahsweet4: I feel like I am constantly exploding
bekahsweet4: my organs are in the toilet
IndigoAngelNine: you never had any hope of a future you worthless bitch. i thought you'd gone away and hid in your little hole you shit for brains, but now you're back with your annoying ramblings. what joy....
bekahsweet4: i wish i had shit for brains- i wish there was still some shit left in my body
bekahsweet4: there isnt
bekahsweet4: its all in the pooper
bekahsweet4: you really shouldnt be criticizing people
IndigoAngelNine: there's tons of shit. i bet it all just comes out of your mouth, you fucking loser
bekahsweet4: sure- whatev
bekahsweet4: youre the one who talks back
bekahsweet4: whos the loser?

She then warned me, then blocked me. I have a bunch of old screen names, so I decided to stalk. Nothing better to do, and I've always wondered what it was like to go out of my way to annoy someone online. Surprisingly, it's a lot of fun. I feel like a badass:

XxxidiotequexxX: yeah, warn me then block me you stupid cunt. you sure can dish it out but not take it, can you chicken? you really shouldn't have started fucking with me. i don't appreciate it. you make me cry inside :( booohooohooo.... bitch.
bekahsweet4: nice sn
bekahsweet4: if im such a cunt
bekahsweet4: then why are you still talking to me
bekahsweet4: ?
XxxidiotequexxX: because i'm bored. and it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside to tell you how much you suck

It may seem like I'm being mean, but this is what I've gotten from her in the past months:

New conversation started at 1/22/04 11:37:11 PM.

bekahsweet4: bitch
“bekahsweet4” signed off at 11:37:59 PM.
Conversation ended at 1/22/04 11:38:45 PM.

New conversation started at 1/23/04 6:04:14 PM.
IndigoAngelNine: so, what's your problem?
bekahsweet4: sorry about last night- my roomate got on my screen name
IndigoAngelNine: well, that's pretty fucked up
bekahsweet4: he said Hi to everyone on my buddy list
bekahsweet4: I know i apologize for him
IndigoAngelNine: he didn't say hi. who ever it was called me a bitch then signed off like a little pussy
bekahsweet4: sounds like something he would do
IndigoAngelNine: yeah well, it's fucked up and rude. you shouldn't let people do that
Conversation ended at 1/23/04 6:08:01 PM.

New conversation started at 1/23/04 6:08:25 PM.
bekahsweet4: I am really sorry
IndigoAngelNine: ok, well, i gotta go. just checking to see if wronged you somehow.
bekahsweet4: what do you mean?
IndigoAngelNine: well, someone on your SN called me a bitch, so i was checking to see if i did something to warrant being called a bitch, cause if someone's gonna throw names at me there better be a reason
bekahsweet4: well im not sure what else you want me to say
IndigoAngelNine: whatever... like i said, i was just checking. i gotta go
bekahsweet4: fine
Conversation ended at 1/23/04 6:12:10 PM.

New conversation started at 1/25/04 11:11:01 PM.
bekahsweet4: well well well
IndigoAngelNine: Hi bekahsweet4, I'm unavailable at the moment.
bekahsweet4: SEE YOU SOOON
bekahsweet4: LOVER
Conversation ended at 1/26/04 10:02:57 AM.

New conversation started at 1/27/04 10:48:06 PM.
bekahsweet4: Im upset with yo
IndigoAngelNine: Hi bekahsweet4, I'm unavailable at the moment.
bekahsweet4: u
IndigoAngelNine: look, i could care less. you're insane, so stop IMing me
bekahsweet4: :-(
bekahsweet4: HAHAHHAHAHHA
bekahsweet4: youre ugly
bekahsweet4: stoppppppp
IndigoAngelNine: oh... yeah. that hurts. really it does. some stupid bitch i've never met called me ugly. whatever will i do? grow up psycho. i'm done with you. bye.
Conversation ended at 1/27/04 10:51:09 PM.

Ok, so maybe I am mean. Whatever. Grrr.... people.


I just remembered the strangest dream I had last night. Actually, I hardly remember it, and even if I did, I wouldn't be bale to describe it very well. It's all hazy.

I do remember there being a party at a house my brother and I owned. Jonathan and his roommate James where there. Actually tons of people were there. Just about everyone I've met the past few months. And John and James where there, making fun of me. Calling me a whore. Just absolutely ridiculing me. And at the same time, they were trying to bum cigarettes off me. Then this one guy, who I actually met a few weeks ago, David, comes along and "saves" me. I don't know what he says, but he scares off John and James. Then we curl up together in this red velvet armchair, and I cry and he holds me and we got to sleep.

There was so much more that happened in the dream, but I can't exactly recall it. But it's gotten me thinking about David all day. Last week Michael and I were at the bar and David was there. Michael knows him so he introduced us. Turns out his band had a practice space next to my brothers band, so he'd seen me around. We hang out with his friend all night, play pool (badly), talk about music and David said he'd design a tattoo for me. He's got this amazing M.C. Escher inspired piece around his shoulders and neck that just made me stare in awe. And so, the more we talk, the more I like this guy. Then I find out he's only 20. He's amazingly well spoken for a 20 year old.

But the wonderful thing about that night was he said he'd give me a ride home. About 2 a.m. he says he needs to run some shit back to his house, that he'd be back in a few minutes. I tell him I'll go with him and he can just drop me off at home so he wouldn't have to make two trips. He tells me it's no big deal, he'll be back in a few minutes. Well, a half hour goes by and finally Brandon kicks us out of the bar, and David's not back. What I didn't realize is that Brandon had locked the doors downstairs so David couldn't get in. I figure I'm screwed, David probably came by and left since he couldn't get in. I'm all ready to have to walk home when we get outside and there's David waiting for me. He'd been out there twenty fucking minutes for me. He could have left. He should have left, by all means. And that just meant way too fucking much to me to see him standing out there. I think I've foolishly twisted that one act of kindness into a sign that he likes me and it's penetrated itself into my dreams. Like I think David's going to save me from the pain Jonathan has caused me.

I read way too much into things. Wonder what I'll dream tonight.


I couldn't get to sleep last night. I was watching tv and Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory came on T.N.T. at about 2 a.m. Even though I own it on video and have seen it more times that I could begin to count, I stayed up and watched most of it. With closed caption none the less, so as to not wake up my dad in the next room. I was up until about 4 a.m.

What the fuck possessed me to do that?


Our cold prep guy at work, Roger, has a crush on me. How can I tell? The back rubs, attempted hand holding, attempted kisses and hints at hanging out are good indicators. Oh and the fact he keeps fucking calling me. Fucking creepy. He's 47 and married, divorced and remarried with a 15 year old kid. I used to think of him as a big teddy bear, but now he's just mother fuckin creepy. Makes me feel all violated just thinking about it.


I should sleep. Hopefully Willy Wonka won't be coming on tonight.

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i'm trying - Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005
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unwanted hiatus - Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004