1-800-DRUIDIA-Tuesday, Mar. 16, 2004 @ 1:03 a.m.

I finally got my new guestbook working! Or rather, I should say, Andrew finally got my new guestbook working! I set it up when I set up the new diary and paid that new crap set up fee and all, but for some reason they kept saying I hadn't paid, so I had to email twice and finally... tada! It works. It's even got a pretty matching template.

God, I'm a dork.

Everyone be sure and give the new guestbook some loviní. Itís all empty right now.

I've still been feeling sick all day. I don't remember drinking that much the other night to make me this sick, so I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that quite possibly I ate something bad. Because I did eat at my restaurant that night.

Nah, there's no justifying that. I drank way too much. I still felt queasy today though. Thank god for Wendy's chili. That's all I ate today. I thought it might be to spicy, but it actually helped.

I seriously came so close to calling James today to give an apology and try to reconcile some things, but I chickened out. I thought about then writing him a letter, but I figured that'd be way too chicken shit of me. I just need to call him. I need to start taking risks again. Risks that may have a positive outcome.

I practiced all night what I want to say to him and it goes something like this:

Hey, James this is Mary. I know you probably don't want to hear from me, but I bet you were expecting to. I just have a few quick things I want to say. First off, I want to apologize for what Erica said to you the other night. I actually don't know what she said, but I know it probably made the rest of the evening awkward for you. I begged her not to say anything to you, I wanted you all just to have a good time that night and not have to worry about things being weird. But that didn't happen like I wanted and I hope it didn't ruin your even. Second off I'm going to say some things that I've already said in some emails I sent you that hopefully you didn't read because they were really just stupid drunken rambles that I'm not proud of. Also, I don't want you to think this is some desperate attempt to get you back, because I am over that. I, however, am not over the way I acted towards you. I was immature and stupid and you didn't deserve any of that. I overreacted and said some things I shouldn't have. I slapped you on New Years and believe me, I've felt bad about that everyday of my life. I know this doesn't make up for any of it, but I want you to know that I am sorry. I should have acted better. The way I was isn't the way I want you to remember me. So, if you can forgive me, I'd love for us to try and and have some sort of friendship, or at least if we see each other out, not be afraid to acknowledge each other.....

That's about as far as I've gotten with it. I figure after that much rambling he'll probably interject or hang up.

The thing is, people have told me that I shouldn't apologize, that I did nothing wrong. If that's true, why do I feel so god damn guilty? I need to apologize, if for no other reason than to make myself feel better. That sounds shitty, I know but I know James is probably over it all anyway. So yeah, I'm gonna do this for me. I'm gonna be a little fucking selfish.

So, my birthday is on thursday. I don't know what's going on. Probably dinner. I doubt I'm getting anything. I never do. If mom asks, I'll say "money for a tattoo?"

I need another tattoo like you wouldn't believe. It's killing me. I also so badly want to get my nose pierced, but then I'd get fired from my shit job that I can't bring myself to give a damn about anyway.

I also need a haircut... again. My hair grows way too damn fast.

Spaceballs is on TBS. I'm going to lay in bed and watch it and attempt to fall asleep.

previous <-----> next

i'm trying - Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005
... - Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005
- - Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2004
baby doll lips - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
unwanted hiatus - Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004