Dreams-Monday, Mar. 22, 2004 @ 2:50 p.m.

What do I do?

It's been days since I've thought about James. But the last three nights I've been dreaming about him. Dreaming about apologizing to him, that we're back together that everything was ok. And I don't want to think that anymore. I don't want any of it. I'm over him, I don't want him back. I don't even know why I care what he thinks of me. He's nothing. He's never going to be anything, I don't respect him. I don't respect his choices, I don't respect his friends. Drug addicts and whores. Why the fuck do I care what they think? I don't. I don't fucking care. I know now that I only wanted to apologize to him to make myself feel better and that's just pointless, because I don't want to apologize. He fucked up. He lied, he used me and if anything, I want tot ell him off even more.

What I really want is to move on and not think or even dream about him ever again. I don't want to associate him with anything. I don't want him to exist to me anymore.

Because he's nothing. He doesn't even fucking matter.

And why do I like David? Because I think I can trust him. My brother hangs out with him a lot and the things he tells me just gives me a great feeling about him. And I don't know exactly why I like him.

But I want find out. I want to know him. I want to trust him and talk to him and tell him things. I want to know about him. I want to know what his life is like. I want to be closer.

And I want to think that if I get that chance, he won't hurt me.

previous <-----> next

i'm trying - Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005
... - Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005
- - Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2004
baby doll lips - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
unwanted hiatus - Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004