Oh What The Hell-Monday, Apr. 05, 2004 @ 1:28 p.m.

Oh god what a fucked up mess this all is.

I've been hanging out with Jason the past few nights and I'm finding that while I do think he's really cool, funny, smart and sweet... I'm just not attracted to him. Which sucks because he's really all I could ever ask for. Except he's way needy and clinging and he told me last night he thinks he's falling in love with me.

Gaaaaa!!!!!! Three days, we've been hanging out for three damn days. And I think he's just physically attracted to me. He tells me constantly how beautiful I am and he can't keep his damn hands off of me and I know that doesn't sound annoying, but when I'm sitting there trying to watch a movie down be shoving your hands down my shirt every three minutes. If I don't respond to your advances, take it as a loss and move on.

And the thing is also, I don't think I want a relationship right now. At least not one that's going to take this much effort. He told me that I make him the happiest he's been in years. I don't want that responsibility right now. I can't handle the endless questions of "Do I make you happy. Do you want to be with me for a long time? Is this just a fling for you?" I don't want a relationship. And I know I need to tell him because he thinks we're together now.

And he calls me every hour.

I can't do this. I can't put this much into something right now. I like what David and I have. We're friends. We had that fling, and it may never happen again, but we're friends. On the path to being really good friends. We talked online for 3 hours last night. Oh and remember how I said he was being an ass over the weekend at the show? Found out his mom had been released from the hospital that day. She'd just had a lumpectomy, as he referred to it, so that's why I thought he was acting like an asshole. He was just worried about his mom. I talked to him about this Jason situation and he just told me to go with my heart.

My heart says, "Don't hurt him." My heart also says, "I'm to tired to do this right now."

What do I do? I told him he shouldn't tell me he's falling in love with me, he hardly knows me.

This fucking sucks.

previous <-----> next

i'm trying - Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005
... - Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005
- - Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2004
baby doll lips - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
unwanted hiatus - Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004