Tears From Eyes Worn Cold And Sad, Pick Me Up Now, I Need You So Bad-Monday, Apr. 19, 2004 @ 1:23 a.m.

Have you ever seen someone hang themselves? Ever seen them hanging there, choking, trying to get their last breathe? You see that look in their eyes as their dying. And knowing that you can�t do anything? That you're too far away or too weak to lift them up so the rope doesn�t constrict their throat, crushing their neck, cutting of their life, killing them. I doubt you�ve seen it in person. But you�ve seen it the movies I�m sure. I�m sure you can imagine what it�s like.

Imagine, fucking imagine that. Look at them hanging there, look at them and know a few more seconds in that noose and they�re dead.

Imagine it�s someone you love so dearly. Someone that�s so close to you.

Imagine, really fucking see it, really feel it. Try and know what that would be like.

Now imagine the moment their about to die lasts for five years. You�re looking at that person dying for five years.

Imagine that, and you�ll know what it�s like to have a brother addicted to cocaine. A brother that you had to go visit in the hospital because his heart began beating irregularly after doing coke for three days straight. Not sleeping, just snorting cocaine up his nose.

That�s my brother. The person I consider my best friend. He�s so smart. He�s funny and he�s such a talented drummer. But he�s killing himself, and I see him hanging in that noose every time I look at him. He�s killing himself and there�s not a god damn thing I can do about it. I�ve tried talking to him. Tied telling him what he�s doing isn�t right, isn�t good. I�ve tried to tell him how worried I am about him. I�ve tried yelling at him and telling him that he�s stupid. But nothing works. He still does it. He even borrowed $30 from Anne one night at the bar to go out and buy coke. Borrowed thirty dollars from my best friend to go buy fucking drugs when I�m sitting there paying his bar tab.

I�ve even told him he�s all I have. When mom and dad are dead, it�s just going to be me and him. We have no other family. They�re all scattered all over the states and we don�t speak to them. We�ve cut off contact with everyone on my dad�s side of the family. Same thing with my mom�s side. Except for her mom and she�s getting old and probably won�t be around much longer. So, pretty soon it�s just going to be me and my brother. And he�s killing himself. I told him that. I told him that I�ll be all alone some day and I don�t want that. He has his son, Jacob to think about too. Does he want Jacob do be without a father? He doesn�t really have one now, so it probably wouldn�t be much different for him. My brother�s never there when he needs him. Erica had to take Jake to the E.R. the other day because he had a fever that spiked to 106. Erica called him and told him and he didn�t care. When she brought him home from the hospital he wouldn�t even get out of bed to check on him or to say hello. Like he didn�t even care.

That�s all he lives for anymore. And it�s going to kill him. And I don�t know what to do.

When I was little, this was never how I imagined things would turn out. He was suppose to go to college, study percussion and be a famous drummer. He was suppose to be doing more than he is now.

And no matter what, somehow he manages to get bailed out of every fucked up situation he gets himself into.

And god, there was so much more I wanted to say about this and it�s all left me. I�m empty right now.


There�s a secret fear I�ve been carrying around the past few weeks. I was absolutely scared to death I was pregnant. Because yes, I, the one who swore I�d never have unprotected sex did indeed do that. Twice. Yeah, I�m a moron. I did go and get the Plan B pill, but that only protects against one instance and there were two. But, I think I�m out of the woods because I stared my period today. I�m making an appointment next week to go get all my thorough tests and such done just to make sure everything�s ok and I will never again be so fucking stupid and blas� about it.


Haven�t talked to David in a few days. I miss him. HAven�t even seen him in over two weeks.


I got amazingly drunk on Friday and Told Brandon, the bartender, that I�ve had a crush on him for so long. Also told him what I said I would a few posts back about how I know he�s not happy and would love to do anything to make him happy.

I need to stop talking when I�m drunk.


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i'm trying - Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005
... - Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005
- - Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2004
baby doll lips - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
unwanted hiatus - Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004