--Sunday, Jun. 20, 2004 @ 2:03 a.m.

oh no oh no ho no. i like him. i do, and i don't want to. i can't. it's so bad. it's so fucking bad. because he's not the person for me. he's too beautiful for me. fucking gorgeous. and tonight i just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep beside him and kiss his neck in the morning to wake him up before mass. he talked to me though. he hugged me and held my hand for a moment and kissed me on the cheek. but he left without saying goodbye.

don't do this to yourself. don't do this. don't fall for someone you'll never have. don't fall for someone who's too beautiful for you. it'll never be anything. get it out of your head mary, god damn it. don't be like the boy before. don't be like david.

i got butterflies when i saw him. my stomach turned. my breath caught in my throat. i just though about how badly i wanted to be with him, be with him as in be with him, not just fuck him. but watch tv, cook dinner for him. sit on the cuoch together and read. talk about music and art and religion and politics and everything and nothing. i want him to be mine and he'll never be. because i'm not pretty enough for him. just pretty enough to fuck, but not pretty enough to be with.

god damn me and my fucking luck. damn me for what i get myself into. damn me for not finding some one that can fuckin respect me.

previous <-----> next

i'm trying - Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005
... - Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005
- - Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2004
baby doll lips - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
unwanted hiatus - Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004