so mr. married man called me 5 times today and followed me around work light a lost puppy. i told him that i didn�t feel like talking to him about things, that we�d talk later. there were just too many people at work today. god, and i just don�t want to deal with it. i just wish it would go away. i don�t want to write about or think about or anything....

i emailed david, what... on thursday of last week? maybe friday.... and i haven�t heard back from him. i had a dream about him today. it was strange and i can�t even explain it very well. it was so abstract, but basically what it boiled down to was him telling me he loves me and that he wants me to move down to where he is because he�s gotten over his insomnia and all he wants in the world is for me to fall asleep beside him. the dream felt so warm and right and i was so happy to hear him say that, but when i woke up, i realized that he�s gone, 16 hours away and i�ll probably never hear from him again.

he kills me. even when he�s not here he kills me.

i�ve been watching the ashlee simpson show on and off for a few weeks. it�s painful yet amusing. she keeps saying i want to be punk, i want to be rock, i don�t want to be pop, i don�t want to be my sister. i hate to tell her that not matte what her music sounds like, she�s going to be exactly like her sister. you know why? because she�s nothing but an image. the ramones could have made the exact same music, but if they had puppet masters telling them what songs to write, how to write them, how to play them, what to wear, how to fix their hair and what to say then they been nothing more than a jessica simpson themselves. or more rightly, backstreet boys, or some crap. it really doesn�t matter what the music sounds like. it�s what's behind the music. it�s how you live your life. it�s about why you write your music.

and i know, i know, every band that�s signed to a label has someone telling them what to do. but you know, for some reason, i give strung out and sparta and even blink 182 a little more credit than ashlee simpson.

speaking of music, there�s a festival up at on of the parks on saturday. it�s a day long concert with over a dozen local bands. one of my new favorites, stuck in kaos in going to be there. i�d better get the day off or i�m gonna be livid.