revelation-Thursday, Jul. 15, 2004 @ 1:26 a.m.
i�ve realized that i focus on these tiny issues sometimes and that i latch onto these boys in passing because i don�t want to deal with what's really going on in my life. i don�t want to deal with the fact that my mom is a depressed, miserable mess who can barely walk and is having major surgery next week to repair ligament damage done in her shoulder and knee. i don�t want to think about the fact that we have almost no money in the house and can only afford to pay the mortgage and car payment. i don�t want to think about the fact that i can�t pay any of my bills because i�m only making, if i�m lucky, $20 a day waiting tables. and i can�t find another job. i don�t want to think about my brother�s drug problem or my drinking problem or the fact that my brother�s exgirlfriend is mentally and possibly physically abusing my nephew. and that fact that there�s no one in town that i can call up and cry on their shoulder kills me. i�m sorry, but i need that reassuring hug sometimes. i wish my girl J wasn�t 8 hours away. and i hate the fact that my best friend made me cry last night by belittling me because i don�t have a car. i�m not really all that worried about mr. saturday night. i�m just latching onto him because he�s the last person that was closest to me. while it was just a physical closeness, i�ve managed to translate that into a �oh god, he�s the only one that can save me� closeness and that�s just bullshit. i know that. deep down i know that. and while i do want to develop, or at least attempt to develop a relationship with this guy, i know that is certainly not my biggest problem right now. however, it�s the easiest to deal with. and when i get so sad and torn down about everything else, i can just say it�s because the boy hasn�t called me. it�s all such fucked up logic, and everything is all twisted inside my head. but i can figure it out. i can get this sorted out. revelation is the first step.
i did, yesterday, get a bit of an ego boost. i was at work talking to one of the boys in another department. he�s a nice guy. we�ve hung out a few times and we always chat at work. he�s tells me occasionally how pretty i am, but i just always think that it�s just him being a flirt. well, he walked up to me the other day and said, �we�ve figured out what�s sexy about you. you have tons of sex appeal.� and this floored me. absolutely floored me. then i wanted to know who the �we� was. i begged him to tell me and he swore he wouldn�t. then i started rubbing his head and begging. he finally told me. and this floored me even more. the we was him, another guy from the department who i have a huge crush on, one guy from the department who i�ve actually slept with and then another guy i really don�t know. but that just made me feel good. and i needed that. after all the shit the best friend�s been putting me through. but i don�t want to go into that now. but believe me when i say, i�m probably going to be cutting her out soon.
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i'm trying - Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005
... - Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005
- - Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2004
baby doll lips - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
unwanted hiatus - Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004
