revelation-Thursday, Jul. 15, 2004 @ 1:26 a.m.

iíve realized that i focus on these tiny issues sometimes and that i latch onto these boys in passing because i donít want to deal with what's really going on in my life. i donít want to deal with the fact that my mom is a depressed, miserable mess who can barely walk and is having major surgery next week to repair ligament damage done in her shoulder and knee. i donít want to think about the fact that we have almost no money in the house and can only afford to pay the mortgage and car payment. i donít want to think about the fact that i canít pay any of my bills because iím only making, if iím lucky, $20 a day waiting tables. and i canít find another job. i donít want to think about my brotherís drug problem or my drinking problem or the fact that my brotherís exgirlfriend is mentally and possibly physically abusing my nephew. and that fact that thereís no one in town that i can call up and cry on their shoulder kills me. iím sorry, but i need that reassuring hug sometimes. i wish my girl J wasnít 8 hours away. and i hate the fact that my best friend made me cry last night by belittling me because i donít have a car. iím not really all that worried about mr. saturday night. iím just latching onto him because heís the last person that was closest to me. while it was just a physical closeness, iíve managed to translate that into a ďoh god, heís the only one that can save meĒ closeness and thatís just bullshit. i know that. deep down i know that. and while i do want to develop, or at least attempt to develop a relationship with this guy, i know that is certainly not my biggest problem right now. however, itís the easiest to deal with. and when i get so sad and torn down about everything else, i can just say itís because the boy hasnít called me. itís all such fucked up logic, and everything is all twisted inside my head. but i can figure it out. i can get this sorted out. revelation is the first step.

i did, yesterday, get a bit of an ego boost. i was at work talking to one of the boys in another department. heís a nice guy. weíve hung out a few times and we always chat at work. heís tells me occasionally how pretty i am, but i just always think that itís just him being a flirt. well, he walked up to me the other day and said, ďweíve figured out whatís sexy about you. you have tons of sex appeal.Ē and this floored me. absolutely floored me. then i wanted to know who the ďweĒ was. i begged him to tell me and he swore he wouldnít. then i started rubbing his head and begging. he finally told me. and this floored me even more. the we was him, another guy from the department who i have a huge crush on, one guy from the department who iíve actually slept with and then another guy i really donít know. but that just made me feel good. and i needed that. after all the shit the best friendís been putting me through. but i donít want to go into that now. but believe me when i say, iím probably going to be cutting her out soon.

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i'm trying - Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005
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baby doll lips - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
unwanted hiatus - Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004