i want to be there for you-Wednesday, Jul. 21, 2004 @ 3:43 a.m.

iíve been wanting to update, because a lot has happened over the pst few days. iíve been afraid to though. my mom found my last entry on my computer. iíd left it open in apple works after i spell checked it and she decided to come in and use my computer, which she never does, and saw the open document and had her way with it. god i was pissed of. am pissed off. they wonder why i want so badly to move out. so i can have some fucking privacy.

but something happened tonight and it has to be one of those twists of fate, one of those ďthis canít be a coincidenceĒ type things. i was at the store buying some milk and such, and whoís there? mr. saturday night. he said hi to me and i said hi to him and i was just gonna be a bitch and leave t at that, but he checked out behind me and we started talking and i could tell something was wrong with him. he didnít seem right. so weíre walking out to our cars and we say goodbye and iím kicking myself saying, ďjust ask him to hang out, just fucking do it,Ē so heís about to pull off and i flag him down and asks if he wants some company. he hesitates for a second and i say, ďlook, you seem kind of down and i thought you might want someone to hang out with, but if you want a quiet evening alone, just tell me.Ē he says, ďno, come on over.Ē so i run home, get changed and hop on over there. heís drinking wine and watching tv and the place looks... not bad, but bad by his standards. iíve never seen dirty clothes on his floor before. so we sit and watch tv for a while, just chit chat, then we go and buy another bottle of wine. get back, watch some adult swim and heís finally drunk enough to start talking. and he unloads some painful things onto me and all i could do was hug him. i leaned across the couch and hugged him he hugged me back so tight. he hugged me so hard it hurt and he kissed my forehead and he wouldnít let go of me. but i didnít know what to say. so i said all that i could. i told im that while i donít know him very well, i do care about him and if he ever needs someone to to talk to or even just to hang out with to distract him from his pain, that iíd be there for him. and we talked some more about just random things, fighting, dating, exís, music and then one thing led to another and we had sex. didnít think that was going to happen, but iím sure it made him feel better. he was about to pass out and i was late getting home, so we really didn't get to talk. but i told him again that if he need me, he just has to call and iíll be there. and he promised he would call, but i doubt he will. i wonít see him again until another chance encounter iím sure.

but shit, i want to help him, because i know what heís going through. iím not just saying that either. he doesnít know. he doesnít know me and i how i think and feel, but the things he was telling me and the way he described what he was feeling and how it happens is so painfully similar to what i go through. maybe itís the fact that weíre both pisces. i wanted to stay with him so badly. i wanted fall asleep next to him and kiss his forehead and tell him that everything will be ok. but mostly i wanted to stay with him so heíd sleep in his bed. heís been sleeping on the couch for weeks now and i know that isnít comfortable.

but i donít know. i doní know what to do. just wait until i see him again i suppose. which will probably be saturday.

in other news, iíve been doing ok the past few days. iíve been working a lot. iím even picking up shifts on my days off. so many fucking bills to pay. things got to me the other night though. i was in bed and just couldnít sleep for the life of me and everything just felt so lost nd wrong and i just started to cry. itís been a while since iíve just randomly cried like that and it felt so good. it felt so nice to just get that out. i suppose everyone needs that now and then.

and i need sleep.... badly.

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i'm trying - Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005
... - Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005
- - Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2004
baby doll lips - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
unwanted hiatus - Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004