this time i'll get it right-Thursday, Jul. 22, 2004 @ 2:25 a.m.

i know i shouldnít have done what i did last night. i know i shouldnít have slept with him. but it happened, and iím really not stressed about it anymore. especially after last night, after getting to know him better. i understand him so well, at least what he explained to me i understand. i understand his emptiness, his loneliness. i know what itís like to be at such a loss that it seems like the only option is to just end it all. i know what itís like to hate yourself so badly that all you can do is cry and hope the pain goes away. and i know what itís like to have absolutely no explanation for it. this will sound so fucking lame and so wrong and cheesy, but when he was talking to me, when he told me that heís been thinking lately about killing himself, i looked at his eyes and he looked exactly how i've i felt. i knew. i fucking knew exactly what he was feeling.

and believe me, i know i canít save him. i know i canít do anything for him and i know that just having sex with him doesnít help either of our situations really, but honestly, i donít think it hurts either. and while i do care about him, i know i donít want to be with him. that i realized last night. but i do want to he there for him. because there is something about him that iím drawn to. and i canít forget last night. i canít simply pass off running into him at the store like that. iím not big into the whole fate aspect of like, but there are exceptions. last night was meant to happen. i never see him out. i only ever see him at the bars and even then, thatís a rare occasion. and maybe, as sparta says, you canít defend it/itís predetermined.

but i donít want to think about it right now. because while it all feels ok and right in a way, thereís no way i can fully explain myself so that anyone would even remotely begin to understand me. yaíll can just call me a bleeding heart, hopeless romantic pisces.

iíve been busting my ass at work. iím trying to remember my last day off and itís not coning to mind. maybe last wednesday? i should be off saturday. i plan on going to the day on the green at coonskin and just chillin out. taking a blanket, taking off my shoes, laying in the grass and drinking beer. good times.

previous <-----> next

i'm trying - Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005
... - Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005
- - Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2004
baby doll lips - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
unwanted hiatus - Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004