Did I Screw Up?-Thursday, Feb. 26, 2004 @ 1:51 a.m.

I may have fucked up hard tonight.

Last week my brother and his girlfriend broke up, sorta. They're always fighting, breaking up, moving out, moving in, making up blah blah blah. It's been on and off for seven years. Well, I found out from a friend that she slept with some guy (we'll call him Mr. X) the night that my brother moved his shit out. I've known this for a while. Anne and I decided that I should tell Mike because first off, that's just fucked up. I'm sick of Erica treating him like shit. Second off, Mr. X is suppose to be my brothers friend. It's also well known that Mr. X has been trying to get Erica in bed for years. Third off, I'm almost sure they didn't use protection and I'm not about to let my brother subject himself to the unknown of what he may contract, if anything. I just want him to be safe. Anyway, so I told him and, understandably, he's massively pissed off, upset, confused and hurt. But I don't know now if I should have told him. I mean, Iwould want to know. I think he should know, because Erica sure as hell isn't going to tell him the truth. I just feel so bad for him and I don't know what to do. I hope I did the right thing.

Would you want to know?


I unpacked the very last of my stuff today and found a couple of James' videos. I don't know what to do with them. I want to give them back. But should I mail them or drop them off at his place? Just leave them in the mailbox? Should I email him? He won't answer. Can't call him. Too afraid. God damn him.


Saw Jonathan for a bit today. I like him more and more each day and it scares me. I still don't know what he wants. He seemed distant today. Didn't kiss me goodbye or anything. So confused. I need to ask him. I keep saying that, but I really do. He called me today. I didn't call him.

It's funny. I started out not even sure if I like this guy and now I'm freaking out wondering if he even likes me.

Anne doesn't want me to be around him. She rolls her eyes every time I mention him. She doesn't like the drugs. She said, "You don't need that shit," and she's probably right, but there's so much more to him. I haven't even began to scratch the surface of him but I'm already intrigued. nd he's such an amazing artist. I was so, just... blown away by the drawings he showed me. Absolutely amazing. He doesn't know it, but it made me cry. There was nothing that stood out about any of them in particular that made me cry, it's just the fact that he created it all with his own hands. And it was all so good.

And he's got this great smile. He smiles with his whole face. His eyes light up. I like to make him smile.

But god damn it, I shouldn't like this boy. Everything and Anne is telling me not to like tipis boy. My mind is screaming, "NO! Remember what happened last time you fell for someone? Remember James? Remember what it's like to get to close? You get hurt and used and thrown aside." But then my heart is screaming to let him in. Get to know him more. Try and start something good.

I wish I was with him right now. Wish I could go to sleep with him.

previous <-----> next

i'm trying - Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005
... - Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005
- - Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2004
baby doll lips - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
unwanted hiatus - Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004