So Here I Am I'm Trying-Monday, Mar. 29, 2004 @ 3:21 p.m.

Still so confused by it all.

Last night was fun and interesting and strange all at once.

Quick recap with most pointless details omitted:

Went and met Anne at the bar. Proceeded to get very drunk very fast. Think I shot about half a bottle of Jaeger and had a good number of beers. It had been a shitty night at work so I felt justified. David calls me, because he said he wanted to hang out, but wasn't sure if wanted to go to the bar because his friend was with him and he didn't have an ID. Eventually, they come down and say they're going back to David's to watch a movie. I told him I'd go with him, but when we leave, he decides to go to my brother's studio down the street because Michael and a few people were up there partying. Anne goes with us, and we drink and talk and have lots of fun. I don't know if it was me being a paranoid drunk, but David was acting really distant, not as cool as the last time we hung. But he was sober last night, and not the time before. Anne, leaves, Erica comes up and she's all kinds of fucked. I end up having to take care of her cause she's puking her guts out in the bathroom. She finally passes out, an Michael's friend Aaron comes up. Me, Aaron and David start to shotgun beers. And I get drunker... blah blah blah... Mike kicks us out, David takes me home, I fall into bed at the text message exchange takes place (see previous entry).

I was all confused and slightly depressed when I woke up this afternoon (and I think still drunk) and was ready to write it all off as another total fuck up on my part. But David called me tonight. He likes to leave odd messages that aren't really messages. The other night was the Monty Python quote, tonight's was Fight Club, "Do you know about Tyler Durden?" I text him back because I couldn't sneak out to call. Pointless message, "You are Jack's cunning wit. Fuck being at work. Pretty sure I'm still drunk." I got nothing back from him. After much debating I called him two hours later. He wants to know what I'm up to, if I have any plans and that we should hang out when I'm off work. He told me to call when I got done. I called him and then said that he was watching a movie with his sister and he'd call me if he decided to go out. I wrote him off after that, because by that point it was 11. I decided to go to Wal-Mart, because that's what I do when I'm lonely, confused and sad. Plus I wanted to drive in this nice warm weather and listen to Radiohead with the windows rolled down. Haven't done that in a while, and it helped clear my head a bit. Then Mike called wanting a ride to Erica's after he got off work. So I went back to the hotel and waited around for him for an hour. Then David called me at 12:30 wondering what I was up to. Told him I was waiting for Mike to get off work so could take him to Erica's in K.C. He told me he was going to his dad's for the night and wanted to know if I was working tomorrow. I'm off at 8 tomorrow and he said cool, we should do something, he'd call me.

So for someone who doesn't know if he likes me as more than friends, he sure called a lot. Which changed my mindset from depressed confusion to hopeful confusion.

I like this guy, I really do. He's smart. He's got this amazing insight into things. I can't even explain it, you just have to hear him talk. You just know that he knows things. He's not shallow. And his sense of humor is so close to mine. I can't not smile whenever I'm around him. And I hardly know him. But I know that there's so much more to him. So much more that I need and want to know. And even if nothing ever happens, I want so badly for us to at least be friends.

And he looked so good last night. A burgundy leather jacket never looked so good on a man.

And he told me my hair smelled good.

Don't know what to think. I talked to some guys at work, Nathan and Travis, about it and they said that the text message last night wasn't the best idea, but they understood that I was drunk and excused it. Nathan told me about when he drinks, he calls everyone in his phonebook regardless of what time it is. That includes exgirlfriends and relatives. But they did assure me that if a girl did that to them, they wouldn't be totally freaked out and turned off. They said that what I said to him was tasteful and not scary and that there was much much worse I could have done. In essence, they told me not to worry about it. And I trust them. I know they wouldn't lie to me.

I need to stop talking about this I sound like a lovesick 15 year old.

I still need to talk about the other night and seeing Hunter and his confessions to me. But I'll do that tomorrow, because right now, I'm so dead fucking tired.

previous <-----> next

i'm trying - Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005
... - Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005
- - Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2004
baby doll lips - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
unwanted hiatus - Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004