the pain feels good. to see the blood seeping up from underneath the surface. i can see that i'm real, that i'm alive even though half the time i feel fucking dead. dead and gone and fucking not worth it.

and it's no reason that i'm sad. it isn't because i can't be with david. it isn't because victor hasn't called me. it's noting in particular. i just want to hurt. i want to feel physical pan. the emotinal pain is too much for me. if i can translate it into something physcical and i can feel that and say "oh i'm hurting because i'm cutting myself" and i can understand that and process that and be done with it.

i want to be done with it. i want to be done with it all.