to see if i still feel-Wednesday, May. 05, 2004 @ 4:01 a.m.

do you know how painful a safety pin is? i mean a safety pin dragging across your skin? you can feel it, HEAR it ripping your flesh. and while it's painful, it's also so beautiful. it shows how imperfect i am, as if i didn't already know.

the pain feels good. to see the blood seeping up from underneath the surface. i can see that i'm real, that i'm alive even though half the time i feel fucking dead. dead and gone and fucking not worth it.

and it's no reason that i'm sad. it isn't because i can't be with david. it isn't because victor hasn't called me. it's noting in particular. i just want to hurt. i want to feel physical pan. the emotinal pain is too much for me. if i can translate it into something physcical and i can feel that and say "oh i'm hurting because i'm cutting myself" and i can understand that and process that and be done with it.

i want to be done with it. i want to be done with it all.

previous <-----> next

i'm trying - Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005
... - Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005
- - Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2004
baby doll lips - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
unwanted hiatus - Thursday, Aug. 12, 2004