i felt so good just an hour ago. i felt so right and perfect and amazing and beautiful. and now, itís gone. iím thinking and thinking and looking at things i shouldnít look at, old pictures, reading old memories and wanting these things that are so far out of my reach. iím doubting myself and everyone else and wondering what the point of traveling this road anymore. nothing changes. itís all hills and valleys and the valleys are getting deeper.
i keep thinking more and more about leaving here, about going south, but i doubt that will change anything. what if it only makes it worse. if i canít find myself here, where iíve been all my life, how is another state, another city going to help that.
or maybe itís exactly what i need. to just go and be rid of all the bullshit. but itís everywhere. you canít escape that. youíll only leave it behind, unresolved and a whole part of your life will be left in limbo in another state.
i donít know what i want anymore. iím afraid to want anything. everything i really, truly want, the things i work hardest for i never get. i sound so terribly fucking emo right now, so very fucking ďplease pity me,Ē but my god, i canít shake this right now.
[and iím hating on you so very, very hard at this moment]
i wish i hadnít left my cds in the car. iíd love to listen to wiretap scars right now. iíve fallen in love with that album. itís all iíve listened to for the past week or so since i bought it. but itís too noisy to walk downstairs and outside to get them.