i felt so good just an hour ago. i felt so right and perfect and amazing and beautiful. and now, it�s gone. i�m thinking and thinking and looking at things i shouldn�t look at, old pictures, reading old memories and wanting these things that are so far out of my reach. i�m doubting myself and everyone else and wondering what the point of traveling this road anymore. nothing changes. it�s all hills and valleys and the valleys are getting deeper.

i keep thinking more and more about leaving here, about going south, but i doubt that will change anything. what if it only makes it worse. if i can�t find myself here, where i�ve been all my life, how is another state, another city going to help that.

or maybe it�s exactly what i need. to just go and be rid of all the bullshit. but it�s everywhere. you can�t escape that. you�ll only leave it behind, unresolved and a whole part of your life will be left in limbo in another state.

i don�t know what i want anymore. i�m afraid to want anything. everything i really, truly want, the things i work hardest for i never get. i sound so terribly fucking emo right now, so very fucking �please pity me,� but my god, i can�t shake this right now.

[and i�m hating on you so very, very hard at this moment]

i wish i hadn�t left my cds in the car. i�d love to listen to wiretap scars right now. i�ve fallen in love with that album. it�s all i�ve listened to for the past week or so since i bought it. but it�s too noisy to walk downstairs and outside to get them.